Time to be open once again.  No depression, just random thoughts and spilling.

First, pray for my Mom.  I don't know where she is and haven't heard from her since my birthday.  I just would like to know she is safe, and at least see her for Mother's Day.  I just miss her still.  Cuz she's my Mom.

Even though I want to be in a relationship really bad... I don't think I can really be in one.  I am a little girl crazy still, and the commitment I am not scared of.. I just don't want to be in a relationship until I can fully commit my heart to them.  It would be wrong.  I still have some feelings for someone and I am just not ready for a relationship.  I need to be closer to God right now.

I have been thinking a lot about Church in general and Christians in general.  I have been saved for 7 years and sinned a lot and have been opened to a lot of opinions and views.

I question some of my own views because they are so different.  Here some are examples...

Do we let God control the services?  I understand order.  That's not bad to have order.  But when God wants to move and break our steps, do we let him?

When we love someone.. we WANT to be with them.... so when we say we are in love with God... do we WANT to be with him?

God.. convict my heart.  Let Your Glory fall in America and around the world.  Convict me and change me.

Honesty.

I have sinned.  I have sinned.  I have sinned.

We say mistakes, we saw errors, but face it... its sin.  Most of the time, not all.  The bad thing is... I am not crying.  I asked for forgiveness, my heart is broken to God, yet no tears.  That scares me.

Repentance is more than just asking for forgiveness.. it's a TURN AROUND!  Have we really sincerely turned around from sin? 

Take off your stupid Christian mask!  Clear your mouth of your "holy words" and body of "holy actions" and be real with yourself.  Be real with God. 

Is your relationship with God, "I asked him to forgive me and He did" or is it "I hurt God.  I broke His heart.  I asked for forgiveness, I was broken.  I feel so bad for hurting Him.  I never want to do that again!"

I spoke about a true worshiper last wednesday.  About where is God on your priority list.

So many put on masks to pretend to be a "holy Christian".  I refuse to.  I don't care what people think of me or how they will react.  Sorry, I am not a "holier than thou" person.  I am not one to pretend to be 100% pure, clean, perfect, and wonderful without problems.

Forgiveness vs. Repentance.  I have asked many times.  But how many times have I really repented?  Have I turned away from each sin that I've commited, or each struggle that I go through?

I am not even close to God as I want to be or could be.  What holds me back?  Myself.  All me.  Not my job, not my money, not my school, not my friends, not my problems, not my faults, not my gifts and abilities, just plain ole me!

I guess I need to stop making excuses and stand.  I have sinned. 

Heaven's once again are brass.  I don't feel God's presence nor hear his voice.. it scares me.  No tears.  But a broken heart, yes.

Time for me to repent.  For I have sinned.

The Bible says we are a transparent figure.  Where does it say that?!  Psalms 39:6, "Man is a mere phantom as he goes to and fro: He bustles about, but only in vain; he heaps up wealth, not knowing who will get it."

Phantom means a transparent figure.  God see's our heart and our intentions.  No matter what we put on, we remain transparent to God. 

We call sin, "mistakes", when we as Christians do it.  We hate to think we sin.  But face it.  We sin.

But the great thing about God is His grace extends above a measure of us trying to be good enough.  His forgiveness, His mercy, His grace, without it... we would be in trouble. 

Even as we go "to and fro", back and forth in the earth. 

Job 1:7, God asked Satan where he came from.. satan replied, from roaming the earth.. back and forth.. to and fro.

We go back and forth, Satan goes back and forth.  So eventually we will run into Satan, since we are on the same path.

The Bible also says, "For the eyes of the LORD move to and fro throughout the earth that He may strongly support those whose heart is completely His. You have acted foolishly in this. Indeed, from now on you will surely have wars."

So now the eyes of the Lord move to and fro, back and forth.  He strengths whose HEART is fully commited to Him.

So we have man, Satan, God all going back and forth in the earth and will eventually meet up.  Where is your heart? 

Is your heart completely God's?

http://www.firstassemblygreenville.com/tlr-ministries/

is where you can find my sermon from last night, though my voice sounds blah recorded.  I hate hearing myself.. so yeah.

One thing I shared was there are 24 hours in a day.  If we want or love God as much as we claim... then lets look at how much time we spend with Him.  In a relationship, if we don't get to see or be with that person for a period, we spend a lot more time with them because we miss them or what not.  Yet with God, we repent, say a few words, church, and pray a few minutes.

Let's break it down.  8 hours for sleep.  8 hours for school or work.  Maybe add a few extra hours for work if you go to school. 

Just a thought.  Think about how much time you spend with God.  How much do you love Him?  If he is first in your life, don't you think he at LEAST deserves an hour?

Think about it.

Good late night.

Perfection.  Interesting wonder sometimes.  What does God really require of us?  I am thinking of the Old Testament about the great men of God who screwed up.  David had sex with Bathsheba.  Solomon became depressed and had lost sight.  Elijah sat under a tree and thought he was the only one serving God.  Abraham lieing to the King about Sarah being his sister.  The list goes on.  Or what about the New Testament guys.  Paul killed Christians.  Peter denied Christ.  Thomas didn't believe. 

Study the life of the disciples.  They lacked faith a lot of times.  Questioned Jesus about stuff.  Didn't put their whole trust in Him at times.  Scared of what is going to happen. 

Today, a lot of people think Christianity is about perfection.  The Bible records great things but it also records peoples faults.  Jesus was the only perfect man.  So don't think you can be perfect, because you can't.  If you think you are, then why did Jesus die?  Since you do not sin.

Jesus became the perfect sacrifice for a reason.  WE ARE NOT PERFECT!  He had to be in order for us to gain access to God freely and be cleansed from sin. 

Christianity seems to have fallen from it being a lifestyle.  It now seems it is a job.  What is the difference? 

You work for money.  You work to eat and have clothes, gas, or whatever.  Sometimes we enjoy our job, sometimes not.  When you work, you are required to follow their rules, obey the managers, wear the dress code, be appropiate for that business, etc.

Yet when you are at home or with friends.  Yeah, you may "work" but its a different setting.  Its your lifestyle, your character, your personality.  See the difference?

People try to work hard to be perfect or acceptable in the sight of God.  But have fun trying to thinking you'll obtain that cause you won't.  If it could be, then why did Jesus become perfect to die for us.. if we can become perfect ourselves?

Bible says "be holy for I am holy".  Holy there refers to a saint.  It means clean, cleansed.  Paul says we have to renew our minds daily.  Christianity is a daily thing.  A lifestyle. 

Let Christ change you.  Read your Bible.  Pray.  Seek Him.  And be yourself. 

We make mistakes, and it doesn't give us a right to say "well we'll do it again" or keep doing it.  We have to be strong.  Like Paul said, it's like running a race.  We have to strict ourselves.  A living sacrifice.

What makes someone a Christian?  Believing in Christ?  No.  The demons believe and tremble.  What makes a Christian is not perfection.. it's a relationship.